there is water underground.

Monday, September 18, 2006

They Found Me.

Saturday morning, 8:27 AM. Not the best time of day for me, especially after being up 'til nearly 3 and sleeping on the couch. Doorbell rings, loud knocking on my door. I guess in hindsight that I should've expected Jehovah's Witnesses, but in my grogginess I wasn't really expecting anything.

When I opened the door, it was really bright and I couldn't look all the way up to see who was there (the sun backlit their faces, like renegade angels), so the first things I saw were some neatly pressed blue pants, a pamphlet with "Jehovah's Kingdom" in gaudy letters, and a copy of the Watchtower. Fuck, I thought. They found me. And they get to see me in all the glory that boxers and a ratty t-shirt afford. When I could finally see them, they were blond. They pissed me off right away.

I didn't hear much of what they said, but I remember saying, "Oh no" and "No thanks" at some point. For some reason, the movie Orgazmo came to mind. After heading back inside, I wondered two things: First, on a purely selfish note, I wondered if they woke up my neighbors on the second and third floors too. Seems only right that they'd ring all three buzzers. Second, I wondered why it took so long for them to get to me. Perhaps I'm never around when they visit during the day. But I had only been in Japan for less than three months before a little Japanese Jehovah's Witness nervously knocked on my door (boy, was she shocked to find a hung-over gaijin with very little tolerance for sunlight at 7AM on a saturday).

In any case, I hope the Malden address is now off their list. At least till the next edition of Watchtower comes out. I'll be waiting with a bottle of Jack and a billy club... and if I'm lucky, I'll have some satanic pamphlets ready to throw back at them.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

Happy September, everyone. There's not much to talk about.

...wait a minute, there's plenty! Let's begin with the untimely demise of Steve "Crikey" Irwin. How sad. Before he came along, there were only one or two nature shows - he really helped push the awareness of animals and the importance of nature in general to the forefront (and by the forefront, I mean into the televisions of millions of people around the world). I know one person who was inspired to become a marine biologist because of shows like his (she's probably not wrestling crocodiles, but you get the point). Jungle Jack Hanna called him a "true zoologist." So for all the fun that we made of him, he really did a lot of good for the world.

Kinda fucked up that he died of a stingray bite, though. That's like a gorilla beating the shit out of Jane Goodall, or Jacques Cousteau drowning. What's next - Dale Earnhardt Jr. gets hit by a car? A piano falls on Billy Joel?

And this morning when I was checking out the news, I learned that Paris Hilton got busted for DUI. I laughed and laughed. I know that's fucked up too, but she belongs in the same category as Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and their child's golden poop. She's an untalented ass-clown who doesn't even deserve my writing about her. One day she's going to do something that she really regrets, like film a sex tape. Hopefully she goes away into obscurity in the near future so that I don't have to read about her every time I open a newspaper or turn on the tv.

Then, the shuttle launch was delayed yet again today. Sucks for my brother - he was in a training session in Florida and today was their last day, so they went to the Kennedy Space center. They had primo seats to watch the action, but nine minutes before the shuttle was supposed to launch, they scrapped it because of some faulty valve or something. Where's their sense of adventure, huh? Hopefully it'll go up tomorrow without a hitch.

Finally, football is back. Not just the Steelers (I maintain that Bill Cowher might be the only man who could out-man Chuck Norris... maybe), but college football. Love the stuff. Notre Dame and Penn State. Ohio and Michigan. Florida and Florida State. Buncha kids looking for their big chance - much more entertaining. Pat Fitzgerald is now the coach of Northwestern's team... I remember when he was one of the stars of the team back in 1996, and I remember an entire stadium cringing when an opposing player chop-blocked him and he broke his leg and ankle and tore every ligament in his foot. But he's the man now, so go Cats!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Aw, crap (redux).

I thought I'd seen it all. I've seen an old man smoking a real corncob pipe. I've seen Sydney from the top of the Harbour Bridge. I've seen the summit of Mount Fuji from 200 feet below it. I've heard kids say things that are so radiantly brilliant that you wonder what happens when we become adults and lose the ability to say those things. I've seen a mother kick her kid in the back for getting a few math problems wrong. I've seen puppies being born. I've seen fire and i've seen rain. I've seen a guy get hit by a train. I've seen Stevie Wonder perform.

But now, I'm hopelessly embarrassed and ashamed for humanity. I saw this when I opened up yahoo this morning. I think something inside me died. (sigh) Fuck Tom Cruise, fuck Katie Holmes, and get that kid out of their hands before she becomes the next Paris Hilton. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with the world when this shit (literally) is foisted upon the public.