More Than Meets The Eye (sorry, couldn't think of a good title)

I enjoyed the recent Independence Day holiday. Not because I was down along Boston's esplanade to watch the fireworks spectacular (didn't need to go, been there & done that; plus I'm not a huge fan of crowds and this year over 500,000 people went in the rain), not because I wore red, white, and blue (trust me, I didn't), but because I saw the long-awaited Transformers movie.

As a kid, my life was the Transformers from about age 5 through age 9. I had lots of the toys and I watched the cartoon often, and when the animated movie was released in 1986 I was absolutely thrilled. Of course, at the time I didn't appreciate the star quality of the people who provided the voices - Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, Casey Kasem, and Orson Welles(!) in his final movie role - but looking back, it was a pretty big deal. Recent viewings show just how weird it actually was, and the creators must've been on some huge drug trip when they wrote the script.

Anyway, those were the 'generation one' Transformers. As I grew out of the toy phase, subsequent legions of kids were introduced to newer robots and names like Optimus Prime became oudated, almost forgotten. But leave it to the nerds (thank heavens for nerds) to bring 'em all back in a live-action, heavy-on-the-CGI film. Yes, the new version is a Michael Bay movie (he of the 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbor' fame). Yes, much of the robots have been updated to have a more modern feel (Bumblebee is no longer a Volkswagen Beetle - he's a bitchin' Camaro). But y'know what? The movie was fun. And I learned a lot. Here are some Things That I Learned this July 4.

- If you're going to leave your seven-year-olds alone to see a movie, make sure it's not rated PG-13. There were unaccompanied kids all over the theatre (including, of course, a couple of 'em right behind me). This movie has lots of images that might frighten the crap out of a little kid. It also contains plenty of swearing, as well as references to (and use of the word) masturbation. I don't really care, but the movie theatre is an odd time for a 'birds & the bees lesson' for your seven-year-old. (especially when the unaccompanied kids behind me were talking amongst themselves about what they thought masturbation was) Additionally, Megan Fox is seriously hot (I would've told Bumblebee to either take a hike or turn into a station wagon with a mattress in the back). She's also a pretty good actress. The movie, however, made her into a tramp/slut/trollop... hooray for hollywood.

- Michael Bay can't resist the bad lines. Jesus, some of the dialogue was terrible. Now, I wasn't expecting Shakespeare. It's a movie about robots fighting each other, not about Darfur. But seriously, "all I want is to hold my baby girl for the first time"? Sheesh. Michael Bay will always be a shitty director. However, there were a few bad lines that - thanks to Shia LeBouf (or however the fuck you spell his name) - were really funny because the audience knew that they were references to the old cartoons. I won't spoil 'em.

- No matter what you say, Optimus Prime saying "eBay" is fucking hysterical.

- The choice to cast Hugo Weaving as Megatron was brilliant. He has one of the best voices in movies, ever. Can you imagine anyone else saying "Mr. Anderson" in the Matrix? His voice is simply perfect for villainy. (is that a word?) Also, he was in one of the best movies of last year - V for Vendetta - and you never really saw his face... all you heard was that voice.

- Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.

- The word 'biotch' is inherently funny. Additionally, the more exaggerated the pronunciation, the funnier it gets. However, when it's literally hanging in front of you and it's totally ignored by the actors, it's terribly, terribly funny.

- There's a scene during the climactic battle between Optimus and Megatron that made me laugh big time. They're fighting on top of a building, they fall down to street level with a big crash. Now, there are people around who are trying to escape the fight scene, but one poor woman finds herself near Megatron when he lands. He flicks her away with his finger, and she makes a resounding 'thump' as she hits a nearby car. I thought this was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen. The scene is almost a throwaway - it lasts for literally one second - and yet it's one of the most vivid 'violence toward random humans' scenes in the movie. So the shock value is great. Apparently, robot flicking random woman into car = funny; who knew?

Happy 4th, everyone. (makes transforming noise; turns into Jennifer Love Hewitt's bra*)

*Other things I considered for that last line:
- A non-procrastinating member of the workforce
- Shakira's dildo (that's a great band name!!)
- Your mom