Hi, We're The Replacements

The fourth installment of the Die Hard franchise is slated to hit theatres later this year. There are rumors flying around that it’s going to be rated PG-13; I think these rumors are bullshit. How can you have a Die Hard movie without flagrant profanity? I mean, the guy is getting his ass kicked left and right (and doing some mighty fine ass-kicking of his own), and the catch phrase of the entire franchise contains one of the Seven Bad Words: motherfucker. The action sequences and the operation of airplanes in DH2 were, respectively, unfathomably retarded and poorly-informed, but I know that the scene when he lights that lighter at the end of the film is fucking awesome.

Anyway, whenever one of the DH movies is on television (yes, even the third one...) I find myself drawn in. Willis is a great action star, and he can deliver a wiseass line like nobody's business. However, I especially like it when the movies are on network TV. Why? Because the networks don't edit the blood splattering, the glass shards in the feet, and the ridiculous body count... but they change the dialogue to be "less offensive." And this brings me back to the catch phrase.

Everyone knows the killer phrase "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" It's one of those lines like "Hasta la vista, baby" or "Yo Adrienne!" that audiences just go apeshit for. Bruce Willis totally pwns that line in DH2. DH1, it's kinda funny. DH3, it's an utterance after the fact. But on network TV, they change the dialogue! So instead of saying "motherfucker," I've heard the following:

* Yippee ki-yay, mister friendly!
* Yippee ki-yay, mamma jamma!
* Yippee ki-yay, melon farmer! (that's my favorite... it's so mean!)

So I now propose to the networks a few more suggestions for replacement terms for 'motherfucker.'

* Yippee ki-yay, futher mucker!
* Yippee ki-yay, morgan freeman!
* Yippee ki-yay, mustard flavor!
* Yippee ki-yay, master finger!

I don't know what the last two mean, but just imagine that he actually said "Yippee ki-yay, Morgan Freeman!" to the terrorist. That (plus the look of confusion on the terrorist's face just before he perishes) would totally be worth the price of admission. It would be even better if the terrorist was actually played by Morgan Freeman.

One final note: I hope the fourth film is set in New Hampshire because the actual title of the movie is "Live Free or Die Hard." Of course, it won't be set there (do you think that a showdown involving the security of the country is gonna go down in Nashua?), but it'd be fun.