Death Cab for Hootie?

As Raz pointed out this morning, a recent study was done on the life expectancy of rock stars. Lo and behold, it turns out that (gasp!) they are "more likely than other people to die before reaching old age." The shock! The incredulity! The report went so far as to say this:

"In the music industry, factors such as stress, changes from popularity to obscurity, and exposure to environments where alcohol and drugs are easily available, can all contribute to substance use as well as other self-destructive behaviors."

Are they for real? In this case, the they is The Journal of Epidemial Community Health, and I had to look up what "epidemial" means (and neither Merriam nor Webster knew). Really, rock stars die young, huh? Stop the fuckin' presses. This needs to be heard worldwide! Especially by Janis Jopl... oh wait. Tell Jimi Hendr... damn. Somebody call Kurt Cob... shit!

They needed a study to figure this out. That's the part that kills me. As Raz pointed out, it's like those studies that tell us that kids who watch too much TV and don't get enough exercise are fat. This is what happens when grant money is spent by people with nothing better to do. How the deuce will this benefit any of us "normal" people who comprise 99.993% of the population? Ooooh, look honey, rock stars die young! Let's not name our child Dweezil like we'd originally planned! Crikey. Did the study say anything about how it's only the good artists that seem to die young, whether it's by drugs, alcohol, guns, or airplane/helicopter crashes? There's a study that I'd love to know about - why are Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Lennon, Tupac Shakur, Elliot Smith and Jeff Buckley dead, but Vanilla Ice, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Ringo still alive? (I kid Ringo... someone has to) As I'm typing this, I realize that I might be subconsciously recalling a Chris Rock routine where he says similar things about how only the good rappers get shot. No points for originality today, Berne. D'oh!

Speaking of studies, apparently one-fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Nothing shocking about this; I actually thought it was more like one-third. But did anyone catch Miss Teen South Carolina's answer to the question about this topic? The questioner stated that above fact, and then asked her "Why do you think this is?" It was perhaps the most mind-blowingly inane, fucktarded (love that word) answer to a question ever. YouTube it if you'd like, but here's the transcript:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because...ah some...people out there in our nation don't have maps and...ah...I believe that eh-education such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as. I believe that they should....our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or-or should help south Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our gen..."

One good point about this so-called explanation is that it ended. Another good point was that I kinda like the use of "US Americans" to describe citizens of the USA. It makes sense, and it's certainly a whole lot less egotistical than referring to ourselves as "Americans" when there are 22 other countries in North, South, and Central America. But otherwise, this girl needs some serious help. Yeah, our kids are stupid when it comes to geography because they don't have maps. And they can't look up stuff on the internets either. She also ended a sentence with "like such as." This poor, poor girl. Good thing she's hot, or else she'd never be able to get her own reality show (it hasn't happened yet, but I'd wager that there's a contingent at Fox licking their collective chops).

So the moral? Thank heaven that the school year is beginning - let's hope that teachers start using maps... if they can find any.