If We're Not Supposed to Eat Animals, Then Why Are They Made of Meat?

Yeah, I’ve been busy. Eat me. It has come to my attention that there are people in this world called “vegetarians” who – horror of horrors – do not eat meat. This frightens me.

We are animals. We have teeth that are meant to tear muscle and flesh. We even talk about vegetables having “skin” and nuts having “meat.” Don’t get me wrong, I love a good salad, and I’ve even been eating my share of tofu – but c’mon, life without chicken? Spicy tuna rolls? A good steak once in a while? A bacon cheeseburger on Yom Kippur? (heh-heh) You have to balance the greens with the red!

And people who eat fish but not beef? There’s something I don’t get. Cows are animals. Fish are animals. Is it just because cows are red meat? That’s discrimination, especially against tuna (best eaten raw, by the way. gotta love the Japanese, if only for the sole reason that they came up with the idea of eating the fish straight out of the fucking water, no fire, no salt, nothing)... and speaking of red meat, have you seen the color of raw tuna? To paraphrase Chris Rock, there’s nothing wrong with red meat… just don’t eat green meat.

For those very few people who claim that they’re “allergic” to meat or that they don’t like it, the answer is simple: they just haven’t had enough. One could argue that the same could be said about my allergic reaction to eggplant; however, eggplant is the only singularly purple food in existence, leading me to believe that it is an unholy creation (much like Vegemite or mayonnaise) and my body realizes this. By ‘singularly purple,’ I mean that purple grapes, purple plums etc. are just one variant of a greater group (there are green grapes, white plums, etc) whereas all eggplants are purple – hence they are singularly purple.* Further evidence that purple food is evil can be found if one reads a recent article about Mariah Carey, who is reportedly on a purple food diet to get rid of her wrinkles. Mariah Carey is also inherently evil, so perhaps the purple food is good for her.

There are a small number of vegetarians whom I respect, however. These are not the people who eschew meat because they love animals. Rather, they are the people who are vegetarians because they hate plants. To have such passion for eradicating the world of its greenery is an amazing thing.

Now, it's true that meat-eaters go to the extreme sometimes as well. Any football fan has probably heard of the "turducken," which (contrary to popular belief) is not the creation of the bumbling, idiotic John Madden... although he looks as though he's been stuffed with Dennis Miller and Dan Dierdorf. Chicken-fried-steak doesn't sit well with me either. And on a recent episode of the Daily Show, Jon Stewart showcased the latest Jimmy Dean creation designed to destroy the arteries of the gluttonous American public... the sausage-wrapped-in-a-chocolate-chip-pancake on a stick. And it's microwaveable. If that doesn't make you gag, nothing will.

So all things in moderation, people (Raz, this means you). Don’t go clogging those arteries, and eat your veggies… but every now and then get some wings and a burger, and don’t be stingy with the A-1 sauce (drool).

*(note: after checking wiki-wiki-wild-wikipedia, I found out that there are variants of eggplant grown in Asia that are not purple; however, they are mostly hybrids and therefore do not count… it’s my rant and I make the rules)