there is water underground.

Monday, May 21, 2007

An Attempt To Write An Article, Onion-Style

New Hampshire Lawmakers, Citizens Still Not Giving A Shit

NASHUA, NH - After 231 years, the state of New Hampshire continues to regard the rest of the country as overprotective, restrictive, and lacking the patience for true individualism.

"Basically, we're better than the other states because we can get away with stuff here," said Teagan Malley, a UNH senior with no plans for the future.

Boasting the motto "Live Free or Die," the state has always maintained a fierce independence, shunning seatbelt laws for people over age 12 and motorcycle helmet laws entirely. Despite the fact that the state continues to lead the rest of the country in per-capita automobile-related deaths, many residents do not see the connection. "What's the big deal?" asked Rita Nolicky, a tattooed resident of Tilton with a sticker on her motorcycle claiming that her 'other ride is on your face.' "I mean, people should be allowed to be comfortable on their bikes and let the wind blow in their faces."

A bill was introduced by a state representative recently which proposed that motorcyclists who chose not to wear their helmets would have to purchase a $1 million life insurance policy. Despite testimony from the New Hampshire Brain Damage Association, the bill was soundly defeated. AMA representative and NH resident Joe Bingham, who voted against the bill, commented "Why would a helmetless motorcyclist be likely to inflict more damage upon himself or others than a helmeted motorcyclist?"

Another contentious topic is the lack of sales tax in New Hampshire. Many shops in Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine that are near the border have been forced to go out of business as a result of people drving across the border to tax-free country. Additionally, some products that are illegal in many places are legal in New Hampshire. Zeb Simmons, a shopowner on the outskirts of Portsmouth, is nonchalant about the criticism that he receives for selling deadly fireworks. His shoddily-made products, which are not legal in any other New England state, are very popular with young adults who gladly drive dozens of miles to get their hands on them. "Yeah, Zeb's pretty cool," said one UMass-Amherst sophomore majoring in hydroponics. "He'll sell you pretty much anything, and if you ask nicely he'll even show you his Nazi memorabilia or sell you some weed or something."

Simmons' reply to his critics was simple: "Fuck 'em."


The best part is that the story about the motorcycle bill is true. :-) Could I write for the Onion? Hmmm... doubtful.